I was thinking the other day about how difficult it must be to be newborn, violently shoved into a world of light when you’ve never used your eyes before. The government should issue pamphlets to newborn children to guide them through the world. It’d be less traumatic this way.
I decide to write said pamplet in the style of Kurt Vonnegut/Douglas Coupland:
This is the world. You are now a part of it. You will soon discover that the world isn’t just one thing but lots of things all clumped together. You remember in the past how you saw (or rather felt) your umbilical cord stretching away into dark nothingness, did you wonder where it led? Did you think that on the other end there might be another person? Older and able to take care of you. Thats called "Mother".
"Mother" is one of the clumps of things that makes up the world. Another clump is called "Father".
Still other clumps are called "Cars" and "cows" and "The Sun". You will like cows.
Above all these clumps of stuff there other things, sometimes unseen, which make things happen in this world. We call them (amonsgt other things) "Taxes" and "Divorce" and "Longing". With any luck you won’t have to deal with the first two for a long time.
Time – thats another thing you should know about. Because of the way you are built, you only get to stay in The World for a brief period. It won’t be enough time for you, but you will still waste a lot of it watching television. Oh and one other piece of advice, you should try and love as many people as possible because that way you will have the most chance of having it reciprocated.
That is all – Enjoy your stay
– except it should be written in picture form so that babies can understand it.