A Yorkshireman displaced

..at least without feeling sick and I’m back at work, however I do still feel a bit off colour. Thanks for your support wibreaders.

Here are my top 5 things to do whilst ill (except sleeping of course):

1) Buy some new music (get it from amazon if you are too ill to leave the house). I bought 2 pieces of quality vinyl to feed to my turntable-monster. I got me an intro to funk (atlantic records archive 68-73 I think) and Bonobo’s latest album (jazz/dance but in a good way).

2) Drink prodigidous amounts of tea (possibly with whisky in, unless you are on medication which prevents you from drinking) this will sooth your throat/stomach. Or try a hot toddy (my recipe: tesco finest brandy, half a lemon, hot water and a small amount of sugar)

3) Start writing that novel you are always raving on about. I’m trying to write a children’s novel about Jack the Ripper. It’s probably the least salubrious idea for children’s novel ever. So far I’ve written about 2 lines of it. I’m stuck trying to make old Jack as kiddy friendly as possible. Jack the Tickler? Maybe. Jack the Happy Slapper? Hmm I need to work on this a bit more if I want a share of the JK Rowling pie, now that Harry Potter has finished.

4) Play a staggering amount of videogames until you develop eye strain. NB don’t try if any of you meds make you photosensitive

5) Pace around the house in your dressing gown, rearranging small items as you go

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As you may guess from the title of this entry, I’ve been too ill to blog this week. Sorry about that. I’m well enough to get around and I’ve been keeping a notepad of thoughts so I should be back on my blogfeet soon.

It’s gastro-something-o-itis according to the doctor in case you were curious. I have pills and everything. I’ve not seen a G.P. since I was 14 so it’s an experience for me.

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Suppose you could invent a time machine and change one thing about your past. What would it be?

I’m not sure about mine, theres a lot to choose from. Stupid mistakes, bad exam results, I think theres a few people who picked on me at school who I could take down now quite easily. Maybe I could tag-team with the younger me (assuming I didn’t replace him/me in the past Quantum Leap stylee) or I could just teleport in out of the blue, then punch the offender hard in the face, let them get a good look at the older me and then teleport out again.

If I could change more than one thing I could become my own private super-hero. Any time I was about to fall off my bike or do something monumentally stupid, I could turn up, correct things and be off again. Of course I’d have to keep some sort of notebook of the changes I’d made so that I could remember them later (and prevent paradoxes).

The fact that none of the above has ever happened implies that unfortunately I will never invent a time machine, or I would have already met the future me in the past. Arghh my head hurts.

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1) Rage Against The Machine – It’s as good a reason as any to jump around and swear profusely

2) The Wurzels – Are re-releasing "I’m a cider drinker". Expect a Magners advert tie-in and possible Glastonbury appearance for old times sake

3) The Jesus and Mary Chain – 80’s indie favorites. Yeah!

4) Vanilla Ice – Technically Mister Ice has not reformed, being as he is but one person. Unless he reformed like Terminator 2, with all his body parts slowly congealing into a solid lump. Anyhow – he has a new novelty single about the US tax system coming out soon. I expect it will pass Europeans by though. I’m holding out for an MC Hammer revival.

5) Uh maybe Smashing Pumpkins if they ever finally settle their differences.

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Have created a valentines day refugee camp in the local pub with friends. Mm real ale, my true love.

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I guess they’re quite close together (two weeks apart) and despite being English I like the concept of Groundhog day as much as Valentines, if not more so (why don’t hallmark get in on the act and produce "Happy Groundhog Day" cards?).

In case you aren’t familiar with the film or the festival – every year on Feburary 2nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania an oversized rodent is released from its burrow, if the first thing the rodent sees is its shadow, then winter will last for 6 more weeks. It is scientifically proven. This year the groundhog predicts an early summer.

As far St Valentine is concerned here is a top five of alternative things to do (aside from the usual wineing and dining)

1) Go to a gig (this works if you are single and looking out or already taken)
2) If you are single, ask out every member of the opposite sex in your phone book (or at least the ones you actually fancy). Do it by text message then you can get around embarrasing rejections by using the excuse "Oh my phone was stolen by some hoodlums so maybe they sent that text". This is a good excuse
3) If you are taken but want to ditch your significant other, you could take up an extreme sport for one evening only. They might then dump you out of fear saving you the hassle of dumping them.
4) Go to the theatre – It makes you look like a deeper person than the cinema would, plus you don’t have to talk to your date.
5) Um…running out of ideas…cook something yourself?

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It starts around wednesday teatime – the weather forecast shows a huge sheet of white scrolling up the country. Sure enough the following morning there is snow on the ground – not enough to actually be fun but just enough to snarl up the traffic and slow everything down. Over the next couple of days the snow turns into this… not quite snow, not quite rain that soaks more than it should and alchemically transforms the original settled snow around my house into a philosophers stone of black ice. Today the weather has merely decided to be cold so I’m on a mission to buy some warmer clothes and waterproof footwear

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Feels like theres a cold ray from a science movie trained on the nape of my neck. Quiet day though.

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So there I was, looking for all the world like a terrorist, at least to anyone peeping through the window. I had a large vat into which I was pouring clear liquid, white powder and a substance that looked suspiciously like coagulated blood.

I was infact manufacturing sloe gin. The white powder in question was sugar and the fact that the berries were wound-coloured and got everywhere made it look like a prematurely detonated IED. In one week the mixture should have matured into some sort of drinkable form.

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At the risk of becoming increasingly like my parents – to whom every edible food is an apparent danger* – I think I might be allergic to "Smints" the popular breath mints. Every time I’ve had a smint over the last few weeks it has been accompanied by stomach pains and other problems. I think it might be the sorbitol because I’ve noticed a lesser effect with sugarfree gum. Dammit why can’t they make unsweetend varieties? Maybe it’s coincidence though. I might have to experiment with other breath freshing products to find out.

(*I mention this because my parents do infact have allergies, but they have a habit of "overextending" and "underextending" their symptoms depending on circumstance. Example: If you were to offer my mum coffee she would reply, "no thank you, I’m allergic to caffine and it gives me terrible migranes" (paraphrased). On the other hand offer her chocolate (which incidently contains a fair dose of everyones favorite drug) and the mysterious migranes don’t happen.)

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