Your handy cut out and keep guide to Christmas shopping

It’s the time of year where high streets and shopping precincts become darwinian battle grounds. All of the following are hazards to be avoided as you struggle wo/manfully with the contents of your shopping bags.

1) Parents – You will often find entire flotillas of pushchairs and prams easing their way through crowds like Soviet era battleships on manuvers in the Baltic sea. They will attempt abrupt hard to starboard turns whilsts keeping their squadron like formations. There must be something about becoming a mum that allows you to synchronise pushchair movements with any other mum in the area (mum-radar), thus forming a solid wall of child powered mayhem. Also like battle ships they come accompanied by a Mig fighter escort of slightly older children who proceed in an elliptical orbit roughly centred on the middle pushchair in the formation. Avoid at all costs
2) Goths/Emo/Skaters – There will always be exactly 3 of these in any given (homogenous) group of teenagers These have a habit of stopping directly in front of you, usually to exclaim loudly that their co-goth/skater/emo is "gay". The aggrieved party will then attempt a mild physical swipe at G/S/E one. Remember to duck and weave and avoid the ones on skateboards
3) Old people – old people usually stopped dead in the middle of the pavement to look at the christmas lights or to complain about the behavious of 1) and 2). Old people are only capable of complaining or of aesthetic thought whilst stationary. Or at least the ones that perpetually block me are.