Monthly Archives: November 2006

It’s time for another top 5…

I have a LOT of time to daydream in my current job, so I’ve come up with a top 5 ways to worry, annoy or scare your co workers. (NB I’m not resposible for any loss of earning caused by following any advice printed on this blog)

1) Pretend you are an elk for a day. This works particularly well if you ‘rut’ your coworkers on the arm with you forehead (imagine you have horns coming out of it, or if you are feeling daring, construct some out of papier mache). Also elks don’t talk so you can avoid dull conversations.

2) Bring a gun into the office. Don’t shoot, threaten or menace anyone with it, just leave it casually lying on you desk in plain view. This casual approach to firearms will cause more psycological damage than anything you could actually DO with the weapon.

3) Choose a coworker and stare at them for a day. Be careful, if you choose a member of the opposite sex you could be done for sexual harassment. If you talk to your neighbour first (about anything) and then stare at your victim, they will assume you are talking about them.

4) Dress just like your boss. This is the easiest and least illegal option I could think of. Works best if they have an outlandish taste in ties. Has the added advantage that if you are taller than your boss, you can refer to them as "Mini-me"

5) Lick the carpet, curl in to the foetal position every time a certain word is mentioned or jog in circles atround the office (or any other odd physical behaviour of your choice)

A handy cut out and keep guide to… (volume 1)

Popular music

You can easily recognise if you are listening to r’n’b music by the following rules –
1. You will be sat on the bus
2. Not more than five seats behind you will be a collective pronoun of 14 year old girls
3. One of then will own a phone with mp3 capabilities
4. She will have it on speaker-phone
5. She will constantly refer to the music as "banging" as in "this is a banging choon"
6. The music will have an annoying beat that goes doop-shhh. doop-shhh
7. The vocals of the piece of music will be performed by a girl and have unneccessary vocal whoa-whoas thrown in (coinciding with the doop-shhs). A male artiste will rap uncomprehenisbly during the chorus

If categories 1 to 7 have been fulfilled you should immediatedly pour hot wax into you ears.
NB to tell if you are listening to gansta rap, reverse step 7 the male will perform the verse and the female the chorus

The mad, bad and scary world of “christian” videogames

News has reached my ears that wouldbe end of days prophecy nutter Tim LaHaye has produce a videogame based on his interpretation of the book of revelation. (NB the word Nutter as used above reflects the view of DW and not those of the wibsite as a whole).

The game Left Behind:Eternal Forces features miltant christians out to kill or convert on the streets of New York, (see http://uk.pc.ign.com/articles/745/745956p2.html for a review). It’s apparently bizzarely sexist in that female troops can’t build structures. And it depicts guitarists as servants of the anti-christ.

Admittedly I haven’t plaid this game (but neither have most of the people who critisized GTA) but the idea of projecting one theological slant as mainstream christian thought worries me intensely. Some rival company should produce a liberation theology themed game where you establish left wing workers co-ops in South America.

Apple

When Fred Durst appeared in a music video driving a four door crysler saloon, everyone loudly exclaimed "He’s driving a sensible, family oriented vehicle with reasonable mpg – in a music video!!" Or at least I did.

When microsoft used a Weezer video to advertise Windows’ multimedia capabilites, everone was equally astounded, sort of.

Apple on the other hand, desipte being used by journos, cad operators, and artists, were never able to latch on to the MTV generation until the Ipod came along. Nowadays it is common to see B-List r’n’b starlets pausing in the middle of a music video to thumb through the menu of a diamante encrusted mp3 player that they may as well have got in the dixons sales and then blinged up with glitter pritt sticks from Asda. Of course it’s not just Apple to blame for this, but a small piece of me dies inside everytime I see it happen.

Top 5 pains

My friend Sarah request a top 5 of "Pains that men will never know", so at the risk of being contentious, here I go:

1. Child birth and related problems (I thought it ought to be here or I’d get lynched)
2. Existential pain caused by overexposure to chick flicks?
3. The pain caused by your best friend betraying you over that guy you liked in Year 9 at school which you never really got over but don’t like to talk about
4. PMT
5. The pain that girls feel when they say stuff like "You’re not listening, are you?" (I’m not sure about that last one but I’m pressed for time)

Wine and philosophy

On friday I got into a discussion of Hegelian metaphysics after drinking several glasses of wine with Kt, her housemate Claire and Mark and Rob (friends of ours) I’m not enitrely sure what I said but I think it might have sounded quite important if anyone wa listening to me. The following morning I remembered what my actual point was, which was this. That enlightment philosophy codified the idea of absolutes (in Hegels case the concept of "geist") and that as more postmodern thinkers (I hate that word, "postmodern" not "thinker" that is) pointed out "absolute" and "truth" don’t necessarily have to go together. I’m sure that other people have mdae the same point more eloquently than I but I thought I’d better clarify on my blog now.

So that was it

I went to see Arab Strap one last time on monday night for their farewell tour. They were on much better form than last time I was them and a lot more all out ROCK too which made a nice change.
Arab Strap, for those not in the know, are a scottish duo with a reputation for swearing and making suprisingly nice folk/rock/dance music (with lyrics generally about broken relationships and bad sex). Hiruste frontman Aidan Moffat was quite affable considering he’d been robbed of his satnav earlier that day by local scallies.

Oh and Rain, I’m afraid I know nothing of these ‘precious moments’ and hummel figures.

Thought for the week

Hello Kitty is the ultimate expression of contentless advertising, in as much that the product is also the advert for the product. In this manner it replicates itself endlessly and becomes a metaphor for our modern age – Scientists predict that by the year 2044, Hello Kitty will have destroyed all other industry as people will only purchase memes by that point.

I made the last bit up, by the way (thus adding to the countless lies and half truths on this blog)